To Spank or Not to Spank? — That’s Not Really the Question

Proverbs 13 —

Verse 22: A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children, but the sinner’s wealth is laid up for the righteous. 

Verse 24: Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

It takes wisdom to get wisdom. As I’ve mentioned before, somewhere, I think, the Book of Proverbs is not for the foolish to gain wisdom, but for the wise to grow in wisdom. That becomes clear by Proverbs 1:5:

Let the wise hear and increase in learning,
and the one who understands obtain guidance,
to understand a proverb and a saying,
the words of the wise and their riddles.

This book is not for the foolish, unconverted heart — they don’t read the Bible, let alone Proverbs — but it’s for the transformed and willing, those who are at least wise enough to know that it’s good to be a ‘good man’ and to love your son. That’s a pretty valuable judgment if verses 22 and 24 of Proverbs 13 will make any sense. 

If the reader wants to be a good man, verse 22 becomes guidance. I should aim to leave something for my grandchildren. Material wealth is one thing (and the second part of the verse points us in that direction), but the principle applies to anything that might count as an inheritance — books, boots, and baseballs (I can handle that). 

At the very least, the proverb advises the good man to think about his grandchildren, even before he has them. Even when he’s so clobbered by urgent demands that it’s hard to think beyond what’s on his calendar, he prays for his kids’ kids’ kids. He takes the long view. 

But then there’s verse 24. 

The good man of verse 24 must love his son, not hate him. And if that’s the case, he must not spare the rod, but diligently discipline him.

And what strikes me about this is how instantly demanding this is in the moment. The hardest part of consistent discipline is that your own condition is wildly inconsistent. Why do we sometimes respond to our kids with marvelous, patient, restorative discipline, and then other times we don’t? It’s because in those other times we’re too tired, or maybe we’re preoccupied with other things. Simply put, sometimes parents don’t feel like it. 

No parent is perfect, we know this. Sometimes we are dog-tired. But here’s the thing: if we string together too many of those moments when we let little Johnny slide, if we’re unpredictable and irrational with our follow-throughs, if we only act based upon how we feel, then we might as well stop thinking about our grandchildren too, because we probably won’t have them, or they’ll be in prison. 

Verse 22 requires us to think in the near term, which is necessary for the long term to be possible. We can’t skip the task right in front of our faces and then expect future blessings. That’s one lesson from verses 22 and 24 taken together, and it applies to more than just parenting. 

We must be future-minded and actively present. We do the thing today that needs to be done, and we aim for the thing years from now that will come through our doing the daily thing over and over again. 

This is wisdom, to think about the present and future not as disconnected, arbitrary aspects of reality, but as different scenes of a continuous stream. That’s what leads us to choose, in those different scenes, what we want most over what we want ‘now.’